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What is the basis
for good sexual communication?
When each
person in a couple knows that their partner cares about them, we say that
they have "mutual empathy".
- One
sign of mutual empathy is that each person is able to tell their partner
what is important to the partner about a situation and have the partner
agree that they have been understood.
- Another
sign is that when one person says something, the partner hears what
is said correctly. ^Top
Why do many couples find it difficult to talk about
sexual needs?
- In
our society we often learn early in life that sex is not an acceptable
topic for conversation. If parents don't talk about sex at home, children
do not learn good ways and good words to talk about sex later in life.
¨
- Often,
the words we use to describe sex are associated with negative emotions
such as anger and/or sexist attitudes. The same words that we use to
tell someone off or to show we got treated badly or taken advantage
of are words that also describe having sex!
| What
are two words that commonly are used to express both anger and to
describe having sex? |
Answer:
Two such words are "fucking" and "screwing." A person can "fuck someone
over" when they are angry at them or get "fucked over" by someone
who takes advantage of them. Similarly someone might say I screwed
them to the wall" to indicate that they got even or took advantage
of the other person. Or they might say, "I got screwed" when they
lost money or were treated poorly. On the other hand, they might say
this, meaning "I had a great time with my lover last night." |
- Words
relating to sexuality tend to represent the extremes of "street language"
at one end and "clinical terminology" at the other. When we want to
express loving and sexual thoughts, we struggle to find the right language.
The words that one person uses may feel "dirty" to the other person.
^Top
|
The
words penis and clitoris are examples of clinical terms. What are
some street terms for each one?
|
Answer:
In the fetus, the clitoris in a girl baby comes from the same tissue
as the penis in the boy baby. The clitoris and penis have the same
number of nerve endings even though the penis is much larger. The
technical term for this is that the penis and clitoris are "homologous
tissues". It is interesting because these two structures are responsible
for the biggest part of most people's physical feelings. Our society
has many words for the penis [such as peter, dick, member, tool, thing,
pee-pee, twinkie, hammer, john henry, root, man hood, family jewels
(includes the testes)] but very few names for the clitoris [clit,
hot button, little man in a boat, cherry seed]. If you make a list
of all the words you know for these two body parts, which list is
the longest and why? How many of the words in your two lists are words
that sound like love versus words that sound like a machine? Do you
think this has anything to do with sexual communication? |
- Sexual
communication involves a degree of risk. By talking about sex, we become
vulnerable to judgment, criticism, and even rejection. The willingness
to take risks is often related to the amount of trust that exists within
a relationship. When couples lack mutual empathy and trust, openly talking
about sexual needs can be scary. ^Top
What can I do to make it easier to talk to my partner
about sex?
Try talking
about why it is hard to talk about sex.
- Share
your early experiences about your parents' attitudes about sex, your
first sexual experience, what were you told about masturbation, etc.
Find a book for you and your partner to read about sex.
- Read
it to each other or set up a time after each person has read the first
50 pages to discuss what you like and don't like about the book. Ask
your partner what they like most about sex and what would make it better
for them. Then tell your favorite parts. Be a good listener.
^Top
What are some key traits
of a good listener?
An active
listener is someone who communicates that s/he is both listening to and
genuinely interested in what the other person is saying.
- This
involves body language, such as looking at your partner, nodding your
head, and using sympathetic caring facial expressions.
- It
also involves asking questions, making brief comments about what your
partner says, and sharing personal experiences to encourage your partner
to continue.
- Listening
is not the same thing as waiting for the other person to quit talking
so that you can start! You can't be thinking about your answer back
to them and be fully listening to them.
- Paraphrasing
involves summarizing the other person's message in our own words. It
allows you to find out if you really understand what your partner meant.
- Sometimes
partners will set rules for their discussions such as: No one will interrupt
the other person while they are talking. Before the second person talks,
they will paraphrase what they just heard, making sure they heard it
right, and then say what they want to say. Their partner will then paraphrase,
check for accuracy and then share their reaction. This slows the conversation
down, which may also make a difficult discussion feel safer.
- Making
eye contact is one of the most vital aspects of good face-to-face communication.
- Providing
feedback to your partner in words can show that you are actively listening.
- Supportive
comments will lessen their fear about talking about sex. These comments
create mutual empathy and increase the love that flows between you.
- Expressing
positive regard for your partner by telling them that you care about
them and respect their feelings may encourage a person to talk about
difficult or painful topics.
- Let
them know you will continue to care for and value them, even when you
have disagreements. ^Top
How can I learn about my partner's wants and needs?
How can I let them know what I want without hurting their feelings?
Two individuals
willing to communicate their desires and take responsibility for their
own pleasure create an excellent framework for effective, fulfilling sexual
intimacy. The more specific, clear, and concise the request, the more
likely it is to be understood and heeded.
- Start
with "I" messages. Talk about yourself. "I like this. I don't like that."
After you have shared what you like, ask your partner what s/he likes.
- Don't
start with "you" messages which tend to make people feel defensive.
"You never do this for me. You are always saying…"
^Top
Would
you like a better example?
|
"When
you touch me like that, a shiver runs up and down my spine and
I want to have you touching me all over."
"When
I am having my period, my breasts swell up and hurt. I really
don't like to have them touched then."
"Oooh,
that tickles. Sometimes I like that feeling, but usually, I like
a firmer touch."
|
| (The
partner, rather than feeling they are doing something wrong, becomes
curious and replies, "Hmmm, show me the level of firmness you like.") |
- Ask
open-ended questions. These are questions that can not be answered with
one word or "yes" or "no". The advantage is that the person responding
has the freedom to share any feelings or information s/he thinks is
relevant.
- It
takes courage to be the first one to share vulnerable feelings, however,
sharing a personal feeling rather than an abstract concept, makes it
easier to talk about hard emotional issues. Such disclosures work best
when both parties are willing to share.
- Comparing
notes on what kinds of touch, which words, what time of day or month
a person feels most sexual allows partners to share information about
sexual preferences rather than discovering them by trial and error.
Sharing may include specific information about both bodily and emotional
responses and is intended to promote mutually pleasurable activities.
Here's
something to try.
| Ask
your partner if he or she would like to try something that might
improve your love life. If s/he agrees, say "I am going to tell
you three things you do that I REALLY like and then I'm going to
ask you to tell me 3 things your REALLY like that I do. Then I'm
going to tell you three things that I wish we could try or do more
often. Then I hope you will tell me three things you would like
to do more often. When it is your turn be specific about what you
would like. |
- Giving
permission involves providing encouragement and reassurance that it
is okay to talk about specific feelings or needs.
^Top
What if I don't like something that my partner does?
How can I tell them without hurting their feelings?
It is
inevitable in an intimate relationship that people will need to request
changes or register complaints.
- A sensitive
approach to giving criticism involves being aware of our motivation
(e.g. approaching the situation wanting to make things better and staying
away from blame), choosing the right time and place, and tempering criticism
with praise.
- If
you are angry, be angry about the behavior not at the person. Love the
person; dislike the behavior. You might say, You might say, "Although
I love you, when you watch t.v. all day while I am working hard, I do
not feel very loving when we go to bed." "When we have a fight, I keep
thinking about the names you call me and I stay angry. I don't want
to make love when I am hurting over things that were said during our
fight."
- Limit
criticism to one complaint per discussion. Some couples "gunny sack
their complaints, storing them up for a fight. Then when they are criticized,
they upend their gunny sack and pour out all the old hurts and angers
from past fights. Nothing gets settled and the person who tried to bring
up a criticism no longer feels safe. Then no changes that could make
the relationship better will occur.
- Avoid
"why" questions. Many people get defensive when they are asked why they
did something. It probably reminds them of being a teenager when their
parents demanded "why". Find a different way to ask a question. Be genuinely
curious about their answer. Don't assume that, after 5 years of marriage,
you already know the answer.
- Try
to avoid using the word "should" because it suggests that there is a
right and moral way to do something. It tends to cause people to think
they are being criticized. Words like "always" and "never" also raise
red flags and lead to arguments. Usually they are not even accurate!
- Express
appreciation for our partner as a person. Nurture small steps toward
change. ^Top
| What
does a dog bone have to do with talking about sex? |
Most
people know that when you are teaching a dog a new trick, giving
them a reward such as a biscuit or a pat on the head with a "good
dog" helps the dog learn the trick. However, they forget to do this
with their human partners. If your partner does something you want
to happen again (responds thoughtfully instead of defensively, touches
you in a wonderful way) express your appreciation immediately and
clearly. |
How can I learn to accept criticism
in a way that helps me grow as a person and as a part of a couple?
How
you respond to criticism may have a big impact on your partner's willingness
to share concerns in the future. Wouldn't you rather know what your partner
likes or does not like than to have to guess?
- Take
time to gather your thoughts and feelings. You don't have to respond
right away. Say, "I would like to think about what you said. Can we
talk about it tonight? (Make sure that you do go back to the topic with
your partner. Sometimes, it is too convenient to pretend that the discussion
never took place.),
- Paraphrase
the criticism to insure that you understand what your partner was saying.
Ask clarifying questions and be truly curious. This conversation may
actually increase the closeness you feel, once you have sorted out and
talked about what they are asking from you.
- Focus
on the future and changes that can be made rather than on the past which
can never be made better.
- In
general, intent to learn and strengthen the relationship is more constructive
than intent to defend a position or past behavior.
- In
a good relationship, each person will grow to be more the person they
want to be because they have a partner who lovingly helps them become
the lover/ partner, and person that they have in them to be. This can
only happen if they trust each other enough to listen to criticism.
^Top
How can I say "No" to intimacy
that I do not want?
(Many
people have difficulty saying no to others.)
- Have
a definite strategy in mind for saying no to invitations for intimate
involvement. One approach involves three steps:
a)
express appreciation for the invitation and/or validate the other
person (e.g., "thanks for your interest, invitation, etc."; "you're
a good person"
b)
say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion, (e.g., "I would prefer not
to make love, go to the party, etc." and
c)
offer an alternative (e.g. " I would like to have lunch, to give
you a back rub, etc.").
In general,
clear, unmistakable language is essential to avoiding mixed messages,
which may result in the other person feeling uncertain, inadequate, or
even in withdrawal. ^Top
How do nonverbal behaviors affect sexual communication?
Four important
components of nonverbal sexual communication include facial expression,
interpersonal distance, touching, and sounds. All of these non-verbal
behaviors differ by culture. It is important to realize that the message
you think you are sending may mean something very different if your partner
is from another culture.
- Facial
expression often communicates feelings and provides helpful cues to
your partner's experience. Eye contact is a very important part of inviting
or discouraging sexual overtures for Many Americans. However, for some,
looking directly into the other person's eyes may be seen as a rude
or aggressive behavior.
- Interpersonal
distance may suggest the other person's attraction and/or withdrawal.
Standing close to someone may be interpreted as an invitation to be
more intimate or it may simply feel like you are crowding him or her.
Folding your arms in front of you may be a message that you don't want
the person to get closer.
- Touch
can signal readiness to become closer and/or diffuse anger and express
care in a difficult interaction but it can also feel threatening if
an argument is occurring or invasive.
- Both
sounds and silences can enhance communication during intimacy and, depending
on preferences, can be a potentially powerful and enjoyable form of
communication. ^Top
When communication results in a standoff, what options
are available?
Even an
ample supply of openness, candor, support, and understanding cannot assure
a meeting of minds on all issues.
- Continued
discussion and validating the reasonableness of the other's viewpoint
(despite disagreement) may help you get past a "stuck" place. This means
that you agree that your partner has a right to his/her feelings, perceptions,
etc. even if you do not agree with their interpretation, demands, or
expectations.
- When
emotions get too strong, it may be good to schedule another time to
talk. It is essential that you make sure the talk does happen or your
partner may think you are avoiding the situation.
- If
the problems are getting worse or threaten the relationship, professional
counseling may help. Grove: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company.
^Top
What's wrong
with the following statements?
| Some
couples make love every day. I think we should. Do you want to? |
Starts
with a non personal statement. Uses a should statement that may
sound judgmental. Uses a closed-ended question. If your partner
says only "no", she has answered your question but you don't understand
why you got that answer. |
| I
miss the closeness I feel for you when we share lovemaking. I would
like to do it more often. How do you feel about this? |
This
has a good "I" statement. It conveys feeling. It clearly tells your
partner what you want. It asks an open-ended question about her/his
feelings. You will probably understand your partner better once
you have their answer. |
| I
like you a lot. Wanna fuck? |
This
may be a good communication if your partner is turned on by the
language. It contains a clear "I" message and communicates clearly
what you want. However, if your partner does not like the street
language, he or she may feel you are disrespectful, among other
things. |
| You
always have a headache. I don't think you really love me. You just
want my paycheck. |
This
is a "you" statement that may sound like an accusation. "Always"
is a red flag word. This communication is not likely to lead to
a better relationship although it might make you feel that you had
"really gotten a load of anger out. |
^Top
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