Jokes, Puns and Pithy Sayings:

Disclaimer:  Everyone has their unique weird funny bone.  What is funny to one person may seem in bad taste to others.  In addition, jokes can be biting or sarcastic, serving as put downs.  Yet humor is also healing.

Jokes can be a socially acceptable way of handling competition. As a psychologist, I'd rather poke fun at psychiatrista. As a graduate of the University of Arkansas, Aggie jokes were a favorite, especially as the football season approached.  As an Oregonian, I collect Californian jokes. 

Hopefully none of these jokes I have chosen for this page are offensive to any one--other than the bad puns.  Enjoy.

Therapy jokes,psychologist jokes, and psychiatrist jokes:

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her how it went. She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

My friend Sally, a psychoanalyst told me she had seen an old client at Starbucks. He had been afraid of getting out of bed because of the monsters under it.  He looked rested and healthy and 10 years younger.

"Doc!" he says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" my friend replies. "What did you do?”

"I went to see another doctor," the client says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" she asks incredulously.

"Yeah," he reports, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!"

The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."

"Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you."

"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "hello."

The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing at once
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...)
6. Twisted apart, the creme inside, then the cookie
7. Twisted apart, the creme inside, and toss the cookie
8. Just the cookie, not the creme inside
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
 

If you have selected your answer, read on to see what your answer says about your personality:

 1. The whole thing: This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

 2. One bite at a time: You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.

 3. Slow and Methodical: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit!

 4. Feverous Nibbles: Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break-downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

 5. Dunked: Every one likes you because you are always up-beat. You like to sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity toward narcotic addiction.

 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

 7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You tend to be greedy and self-centered. You should be ashamed of yourself! But that's ok, you don't care anyway.

 8. Just the cookie, not the inside: You enjoy pain.

 9. Lick them, not eat them: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional help - immediately!

 10. Don't like Oreo cookies: You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you!

A psychologist is a person who watches everyone else when a drop dead famous and beautiful person enters the room.

Q. Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
A. To prepare them for the bill

Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending  their first class on emotional states. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.

 "Elation," said she.

 "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Other bad jokes and puns

Q. What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
A. Make me one with everything.

These two came from an email and were attributed to Dilbert with a ?  Hopefully I am not violating a copyright law by recreating them here.

My Reality Check bounced.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.  As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A SPUD STORY
 
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one-- a Real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM."

They wanted the best for little yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going  out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed  and get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with  a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said not to worry -- no Mr. McSpud would get her in  the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.  She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland  and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

 They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going  out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she  would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of  the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.

 Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her  to "Idaho P.U." That's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

 But one day she came home and said she was going to marry  Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a, just a . . .

 . . . COMMON TATER!!!!!!!!!

According to an e mail I got, the following are from a little book called "Disorder in the Court."  They're things people actually said in court:

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he awoke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. 

THE PERFECT PET
 Submitted by JR

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede.  20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

Portland, Oregon Jokes

A newcomer to Oregon arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6.

"I can't believe it, " said the tourist. "I've been here in Oregon an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"

"Well, that's hard to say, " replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."

What do you call two straight days of rain in Oregon?
An average weekend.

What did the Oregon native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
"Nice tan."

Meteorological experts were predicting a gargantuan rain storm that would destroy the Pacific NW with a flood.   Rev. Jessie Jackson went on national TV and said, "This is your punishment from God. Prepare to meet your Maker."

The President went on national TV and announced, "Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near."

The Oregon evening news came on and said, "Today's five day forecast.... same as usual."

What does daylight savings time mean in Oregon?
An extra hour of rain.

 A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan....."Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Oregon; they're too wet to burn yet."

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for  everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking  forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: What days of the week begin with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and  goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the  letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."   

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was  thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer."

 "How about the next one?" "How many seconds in a year?"

 "Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

 Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 Forest says "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second..

"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I  see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give  you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”

Forrest replied, "Andy."When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy?

Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy  walks with me, Andy talks with me."

The lesson: Just  because another person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you do, does not mean that it's wrong.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to let you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. Soooooo what'll it be?"

The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

 "So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.

The second priest mulled this over for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing," replied St. Peter.

"In that case," said the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" said St. Peter, and the second priest disappeared.

A week went by, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asked.

"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

St. Peter replied......."He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

When I'm An Old Lady
By Mary Ann Hopkins

(This came to me in an email.  I do not know the author and hope she will forgive me for using it without permission.)
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my daughter,
And make her life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy she's provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, she'll be so excited.
When I'm and old lady and live with my daughter.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink form the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, she will shout.
When I'm an old lady and live with my daughter.

When she's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, she'll snap her fingers and then shake her head,
And when she is done I'll hide under the bed.
When I'm an old lady and live with my daughter.

When my daughter's husband cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when he gets angry, run fast as I'm able
When I'm an old lady and live with my daughter.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.
When I'm an old lady and live with my daughter.

And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
And thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
And my daughter will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
When I'm an old lady and live with my daughter.